Wow! It’s amazing what 40 days away from everything can do for you. I feel like I have gained so much insight on myself and life in general. It’s kinda crazy how pain can push you to where you need to be. I needed to go on this spiritual fast/cleanse. And I honestly don’t think I would have been able to make it to this point had it not been for my own personal Judas.
I haven’t paid much attention to the days as they go by. I’m more focused on the growth. Throughout this process I have learned the true meaning and definition of self-love. Self love is self care and it goes beyond knowing what makes you happy and all that fluffy shit. Self love, self care, and self respect all go hand in hand and it’s honestly about being REAL RAW with yourself. You gotta dig deep to truly know yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? Angry? Jealous? It’s fully seeing and fully knowing yourself that gives you an incredible insight on who the fuck you are. When you can fully see yourself without judging yourself and you own who you are, that is authentic power. That type of authenticity is something that no one can ever take from you because you simply won’t and cannot allow it. You know your boundaries. Own that shit. I had to set myself free so that I could fully love myself in all it’s entirety.
My most immense challenges on this journey is learning to keep my mouth shut while I’m going through a test. There really is no such thing as a “bad life“. Yeah, bad shit may happen occasionally and yes, we all go through some sort of pain at some point in our lives, but if our struggles ultimately work out for something good, then was it really all that bad to begin with?
Not everyone you lose is a loss. Everything in life has its season. And once the season has run its course, just let it go. I’ve made a promise to myself to not let anyone stress me in 2016. Energy is so important to me these days. Monitor your relationships with certain people and watch how your energy fluctuates. Does it increase or decrease?
I have been rocking my natural hair publicly and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I love every single part of me. From my beautiful coils to my short, chubby toes. This is me. And guess what…I FUCKS WITH ME. I don’t know if I can say that I was ashamed of my natural hair or if I was insecure but I’m at this point in my life that I just don’t care what anyone has to say about me. I don’t owe anyone “pretty”. So unless someone is gonna buy the things necessary for me to fit whatever societal mold / standard for acceptance, then I suggest naysayers STFU.
I needed this time to be away from people. Everyone always needs something from me. I think I have finally burnt out and ran myself dry just giving so much of myself to others. I don’t mind being there for people. I don’t even mind giving, but is it too much to ask for someone to replenish me from time to time? For someone to give me some of that patience, love, support back to me? This learning process, however, doesn’t stop with these past forty days. Everyday is a new day for me to learn myself. To challenge myself. I pray that I never lose that zest for learning and that my spirit is always open and teachable. Resilience.
I never thought that I would see the day where I just felt overwhelming peace and joy! I never thought that I would see the day where I could unburden and unchain myself from all this weight that I’ve been toting around. It’s kind of crazy just how much people bondage I had from relational hurt. People who I thought I would mourn over forever…I feel nothing. Not emptiness or indifference or anything bad, but I just feel set free. I feel alive again. I feel as if I have finally been able to close chapters that had been impelling themselves for far too long. But that is just a part of the process. Not everyone is meant to ride this journey of life with you for the long haul. And I damn sure don’t have to carry people pain and relationship bondage with me for the rest of my life. Fucked up shit just happens sometimes. And sometimes it’s no one’s fault. I, however, am not going to let indecorous life events prevent me from being true to who I naturally am. I still believe in love. I still believe in kindness. I still believe in sensitivity and emotions. I still believe that there are some amazing people out there in the world. I’m not a “savage” chick. I’m Elinah: overly dramatic at times, quirky, goofy, fun-loving, hard-headed, independent and yeah, I can be a little crazy but guess what? I LOVE everything that makes me….me. Good, bad, and ugly.
So, now that I’m back and I’ve basically found myself..does this mean I have all the answers now? NO. I am forever going to be a work in FORWARD progress. Despite this newfound knowledge of self that I have finally been able to conceptualize, there are so many hills and valleys that I have to complete. This is just the tip of the iceberg.