Who Were You Pre-hurt?

Who were you “pre-hurt”?

For a while now I feel like I have kind of been going through the motions with my life — well, more specifically my love life. 

I am really GOOD by myself. Almost to the point where I feel as though if I were to get into a relationship today that I wouldn’t know how to function as a unit. I think I have become accustomed to my alone time and I am enjoying being by myself and not really having to worry about not being selfish and I like that feeling. I feel free. I don’t feel bounded by anyone or their expectations.

Men bore me. Or at least the ones that I have been talking to have been boring the shit out of me. It’s the same mundane and outdated conversations which really aren’t about anything. Sometimes I wonder if I am too picky or if I just am not destined to be with anyone ever. Or —- is this just my hurt speaking? Is my wall up so high that no one is able to penetrate through it?

This place that I am in emotionally is very foreign to me. My natural state is to be open hearted and undying in my love. I am the happiest and most at peace when I am functioning in love. That’s not to say that I have to be in a relationship to feel loved or whatever, but when I am operating from a place of love, I feel the most peaceful. Love matters to me. Love of self. Love of others. Love of life.

Pain. Everyone has felt some sort of pain at some point of their life. Whether it is physical, mental, emotional; we have all been through some sort of hurt. It irritates me so much when people just dismiss someone’s pain because they cannot relate or it’s a struggle that they may have went through before and because they have overcome said struggle they expect everyone else to be able to bounce back as quickly as they did. Or to just move on. Different people have different ways of processing things. So who are you to rush any individual person’s process?

Before I ever knew what hurt was, I knew what love was. But a few heartbreaks later, I’m not so sure anymore. I think I have this warped idea of what love is. In my mind, love never hurts and if it does hurt then that means that it’s not for me. That, isn’t necessarily true. Because sometimes love DOES hurt. But the beautiful thing about love is that it forgives. It doesn’t tally up the wrongs v rights. Love covers all. Love has mercy. Love is undying. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love…loves.

I am a sensitive person. I have this weird ability to understand and really appreciate many of life’s complexities. I’m growing to be a more patient person. I understand that not everyone thinks like me. And more importantly, not everyone understands me. That’s OK. I am a fighter. I will fight for my right to be Elinah no matter what. I am chosen. Throughout my life death has tried to steal my soul but it has failed time and time and time again because I am covered.

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