Lately, I have been feeling down about quite a different things in my life. School, work, and just a whole bunch of other random, personal things. Most of my life I’ve always managed to end up in friendships where the girls that I was connected to had ZERO issue with confrontation. They basically lived for any type of fight or argument and could definitely hold their own both physically and verbally. I, on the opposing side, HATE confrontation. I hate discord and disrupting the peace. I rarely, if ever, attack anything or anyone or any issue. Even if that means that I am suffering. I just hold on to the pain and suffer in silence. Or through ‘harmless’ subtweets. This lack of confrontation, however, has in turn caused me to shell into this timid, self-conscious, slightly insecure person. All things in which I know I am not. I know this person that I am today is not who God intended to me to be (and it is evident in my early childhood lol). I know that My Creator, that is pure and true and righteous; The One who created me to embody Him, did not placate such negativity and fear inside of me. This state that I am in is partially circumstance and partially my own doing.
My laid-back, non-confrontational, “keep the peace” disposition has made my life very lukewarm. I can be so indecisive at times and my stance on things can sometimes be easily wavered depending on who I talk to and the relationship that we have. It has made me such a people pleaser. I strive to be the likeable one and more often than not, I’ll try to meet people where they are when in reality I should be meeting myself where I need to be; and that is to be operating at a higher level. Being the “cool chick”, the “down ass girl”, it’s all a cover up because I don’t want to be seen as a bitch. But when did standing up for myself and taking charge of MY OWN HAPPINESS equate to me being a “bitch”. When did knowing what I want and being shameless in achieving my dreams and refusing to settle make me mean/stuck up? AND more importantly……..why should I CARE so much about people who literally have no effect and mean absolutely nothing to me matter? The answer is ego. Operating solely from the ego means you’re not thinking or being intuitive. You’re just reacting.
Hiding my expectations is just another form of lying. Whether high or low — and more often than not my expectations are embarrassingly low — not being upfront about what I need from people or relationships causes unintentional pain. And pain is pain. No matter how you slice or dice it, pain is pain. This game of hide the expectation from the person but seek more from the relationship was because of – you guessed it! – FEAR. I allowed these external forces to control me when the only thing that has true divine power over me is The Spirit. And it is through His Spirit that I am called to be BOLD because His Spirit says that I am to bow down before HIM and not to any man or any thing; His Spirit isn’t filled with insecurity or unhappiness or hate. His Spirit tells — no COMMANDS — that I love myself and that I am HONEST with my expectations.
This pity party ends today. Today is a new chance to embrace your authority to LIVE LIFE FREELY, to educate yourself with new lessons, and to build the most desirable life according to your dreams. So cry that last tear, shake it off, and START TAKING CHARGE RIGHT NOW.