About 8:50a to be exact.
And today is the day that I feel…free.
I feel free — free to move forward — free to forgive — free to let go — and most importantly I feel free to just think and express myself.
This year has been a year of extreme challenge and adversity for me. Shoot, at times I feel as though my whole life has been that way. Me going through tough situations and then overcoming them. I pride myself in that. I pride myself in the fact that no matter how much I feel like I want to give up or no matter how hurt I am/have been by others, I keep pushing through that. Granted, I give all that glory to God. Because it is in these critical and crucial moments of my life that I lean on Him more than ever. It is those ideals and truths that I hold on to that reminds me of my purpose…the fact that I was created because of a need…I was created because of purpose. And although the situations are tough and I might cry or be upset or even take a hit in my self-esteem, I KNOW that it isn’t in vain. I KNOW that there is a reason for it all and through each and every situation, I know it builds character.
I struggle with letting people go and letting go. I have this “no one left behind” mentality that makes me so nurturing and caring and empathetic towards people. Once I hear about the difficulties in people’s lives, I automatically want to help — nurture them to ‘health’ in some ways. I believe that everyone has purpose and if I can motivate or propel someone up with just my support, then I will. I have zero qualms with being open and free with people because it is my nature. It is an inherent part of me to be so loving and trusting of people and always wanting to see the good in people and believing in other’s potential to be GREAT — to be ALL that they can be. Though this is a great mentality to have, however, it just isn’t all that realistic. My weakness is attachment. I get so easily attached and I’m so sensitive. But, I don’t hate that side of me. I don’t “feel bad” for caring about people. It isn’t the “caring” part that makes me weak. It’s the “holding on to people who clearly want to leave my life” part that makes me…weak. I’ve learned that you just can’t expect people to behave like you or do for you what you would do for them because, well, people are who they are. And it is OK. I realize now that the people who WANT to stay in my life HAVE and they will. I won’t have to ‘prove my worth’ or beg anyone to stay. I don’t believe in excuses. I believe in actions. I’m finally, FINALLY, at the place where I’m just OK with people leaving. You want to go? Then GO. Not everyone is meant to be promoted with you in your journey of life. It doesn’t make them bad people or mean people, it’s just LIFE. And honestly, when you have done all that you can for a person and they still decide to leave or not FWU, it’s on them. Delete the dead space and make room for those who love and accept and motivate you. Period.
Forgiving people has definitely been an on-going theme for me. But like anything else, forgiveness too, can be learned. But it takes practice as well as being equipped with the right skills. Today is the day that I forgive. And I mean to truly forgive and let go and be at peace. Everyday I try to practice forgiveness. With forgiveness comes release and with release comes peace. I just want peace in my life. No more calamity and harboring of old pains and sins of people and situations past. I am the strength to forgive. I am the courage to fight. I think that plays another major role in my struggle with letting people go is the forgiving part. Sometimes, I feel like I get so wrapped up in my own pain and hurt that I forget that forgiving is NOT excusing. It’s being strong enough to let go. It’s about allowing myself to HEAL.
The longer I live, the more I learn. The more pain I go through, the stronger my will wants to fight. Vision. I have a vision of things greater than what and where and even who I am now. That first step, though, starts with accepting myself. Accepting the things that are done and not trying to change them or myself….out of regret or hurt or pain. I accept those who hurt me, I accept and welcome my pain. I accept my sensitivity. I accept ME. I accept me for who I truly AM. I’m a survivor and I absolutely refuse to give up and continue feeding things that don’t serve me for my betterment. I accept people for who they are, where they are. I don’t want to, I can’t, and I don’t need to change people. Whether good or bad, it isn’t my place. I accept that I am in control of me. I accept my process to healing and identity.
And it’s with this knowledge that I am FREE.