I hate him.
…Well…at least I wish that I could.
I wish that I could hate you with a burning, raging, fury but no matter how hard I try to I just can’t.
All day I have been racking my brain as I feverishly draft juxtaposing & complex literary pieces based off of my ever evolving and conflicted emotions. Originally this post was going to be about ‘Resentment’. The resentment that I felt from the betrayal of my ex-es. And so long as I am being 100% forthcoming and sincere, that resentment feeling and betrayal is from my first true love.
Well. At least it was.
See, I have been going back and forth between loving him and having nothing but pure hate and disgust for him. Because at least when you hate someone it’s so much easier to block them out of your life. It is in that pure hate and disgust that you can build these grandeur walls of steel around your heart to keep you from… falling again…to keep you from caring again. And it’s easy. It is SO much easier to be
bitchy or be an asshole. You avoid your emotions with a vengeance and bulldoze any thought or feeling that may result in you actually having to face the truth and see your ugliness. I don’t cast any shadow of blame on anyone who chooses said “easy” route. No one wants to deal with that. Ever.
At some point in life, however, there comes a time where we DO have to deal with our truth. No matter how ugly or scary they may seem. If we are to ever see growth and maximize our experience in life then we must learn to overcome adversity. Dauntlessly. Selfishly. We must learn to accept our truths but not be defined or limited by it.
I had all the intention of titling part two of this letter, “Resentment”, and to further expel these pent up, hoarded emotions about how I had been done oh so wrong but what is the point? It is so easy to go off on angry tangents and make accusatory claims [albeit justified and mostly true] about the transgressions inflicted upon you. Especially when the transgression is committed by someone who is supposed to love you through everything — the person that you uphold to a different standard than the rest of the world. It’s easy to point fingers. It’s easy to play the blame game. It’s the reflection of who you truly are that is difficult. It’s the reflection of your bare-naked, unadulterated, pure self that most find difficult to come to terms with. The fact that you just may have some seriously debilitating anger issues or a pretty nasty attitude that can come out in the most vile and immature of ways when your control and power disintegrates. Or..the slight issue of selfishness as you matter-of-factly state all of your opinions as though they were conjured up out of you. Yet, the very things that are rendering your ability to progressively ascertain your next step in life to embodying the emblem of a phenomenal woman CAN be easily transformed. Renewed even. You can become a resurrected, purified soul. Once you learn to reject what does not serve you or bring positive meaning into your life; this includes the ugly truth that beseeches you. Stop. Eating. Lies. You aren’t created to be negative. You do not have to continue feeding the lie of the ugly truth. Flip your negative into something with a purpose that is life giving and not a life devourer. Disember the ties that continuously perpetuate to the flow of your ugly truth. Whether it is your anger or selfishness or whatever it may be and instead connect yourself to a more meaningful river of life.
What. Is. YOUR. Ugly Truth?