A Letter to My Ex(es). [Part One; Expelled Thoughts.]

I’ve always been pretty good with words and pretty damn phenomenal at putting up the “I am a strong woman and nothing hurts me” front, but as of late, I can’t find myself being much useful. Rarely am I at a loss for words, but I have nothing. No words. No feelings. Just tears. That’s all I do. Is break out into these uncontrollable crying fits and then wipe my face, de-puff my eyes, put my make up on and strut out into the world with my mask on…masking away the pain, the hurt, and the betrayal that I feel by you.  I’ve always wanted to write a letter like this in the past…or one of this sort that kind of chronicled my past relationships and the shear pain that I felt.I always chickened out. I just repressed my emotions. I never wanted to look vulnerable or feeble. But, in the end..I am the one left to bare my scars while everyone goes unscathed. Everyone moves on with their life and I am the one that’s..stuck. Part of that is my tenacious love. I love so hard. I love so deep. And no matter how many times I go through these betrayals of men past, each one carries the same amount of hurt. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for the inevitable…there tumblr_ngsf0eouFd1rs7tcno1_250is just no amount of preparation that can obscure the hurt. You feed me this love story, this idealistic, romanticized version of who you are and the life that you want with me. Lies. If you’re gonna lie to me, at least be good. You are so cold-hearted. Unfaithful. Ungrateful. You aren’t a good person. At least not to me, not with the way you are. You aren’t supportive. You aren’t loyal. You just blow with the wind. You constantly listen to the opinions of friends and family that only spew negativity. And that used to always piss me off. But…I can’t blame these strangers for their composition of me because you are the one who paints the picture of me. And yes, I’m not perfect. I’m no angel. You aren’t either. I am not guiltless of mistakes. But in this essence you are wrong. You’ve treated me worse than anyone else with how you’ve unofficially ended things. The. Worst. Because not only did you split thighs, you spit lies. You spit lies, you left, and conveniently enough she’s back. Just as you were “breaking away to work on yourself” never once did it occur to me that you would break away and do the unthinkable. This naivety, however, is my own liability. You see, I am the one that keeps dispensing more trust to you than you rightfully deserve when your track record indisputably affirms your unworthiness. You lack care. Maybe it’s not even your fault that you have no idea how to be with someone. Maybe you never learned how to transition from a boy to a man. Or maybe you simply just have no concern for anyone other than yourself but it’s not right. You don’t just treat people you love like they hold no value in your life. How does one week turn into two turn into her? Because you can talk to whoever you want right? Because when I’m not there she gets the ‘okay’ to be back? Because I talked to an ex about his baby? Because I broke a mop? Because I yelled? Because YOU assume I’m controlling and jealous when all I’ve ever tumblr_ngsmtvoL5M1r0t83jo1_500wanted was you? Because no one wants to see you with me? They. Don’t. Know. They don’t know the amount of love, support, care, faithfulness, friendship, LIFE, that I’ve poured into you. Even at the expense of myself. I wanted you to win so much. More than me at times and then you have the audacity to say I’m “too invested” in you. You have the audacity to LIE to me. NO ONE has hurt me more than you. And no one ever will. No one. Because I shared my dreams with you, I shared my past and my pain with you, and you…SHIT all over me. You can’t tell me that this is love when you are so immune to all my pain. So stop lying. Stop lying and saying that she’s “just a friend” and that she is “harmless” when  she epitomizes everything..every pain that I’ve ever felt from all the women past with exes past. Every time we reach a rough patch you do the only thing you’re good at…you run away. You don’t sympathize. You just give up. But call this…”love”. Stop. Lying.  You and her epitomize every fear, hurt, and neglect I felt. Stop telling me to “just forgive” and that I should “just get over it” because YOU CHEATED. Emotionally, mentally, you cheated. And you continue you to bring her around as if she’s a friend now when she was more than that. And this goes beyond feeling “jealous” or “insecure” or whatever vindictive, punitive, arbitrary bullshit you choose to justify your actions or what she is. Maybe you’re right when you say you randomly chose her to ‘hurt me’ but you still CHOSE her. All of you put your own selfish, immature desires first. You CHOSE her. Even at the expense of my feelings you CHOSE another. And I forgave you. Yet and still I forgave you. It’s not the forgiving I cant do or deal with but it’s your blatant disrespect about the situation. It’s how you redeem yourself. You haven’t because you continue this..affair. But I cannot be reminded of that betrayal each and every time. I forgive you but I cannot allow these women in my life. I refuse to be reminded. I refuse to “just deal with her” because you have this amazing connection or tie or convo with her. If that’s the case then  what’s the point of continuing on a path that clearly is just a road hump to who you want. BE WITH HER. But know that if you choose her again I won’t be here.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. crippledbypain says:

    This post. The first bit I completely relate. So accurate

  2. crippledbypain says:

    Reblogged this on crippledbypain's Blog.

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